This blog isn't just about Nixon's school days. It's basically for everything that affects our lives since the introduction of all these acronyms.
Today I'm going to pull back the curtain and share where I am, in my life, right now. It's not pretty and I'm not proud of it, but I am open enough to share, so that other parents in this situation right now can see they're not alone.
Mac is leaving for a training course on Sunday. He'll be gone for nearly 12 weeks. We have no plans to go visit him because Nixon will not handle seeing him only to leave again. The traveling alone would be too much for him to handle. (He and I took a trip home to Western New York in November. We flew and spent 5 days in my hometown. He couldn't fully adjust to the surroundings and had a giant meltdown on Thanksgiving at my grandmother's house.)
Lately, I've been a very shitty mom. I'm short-tempered, lack patience and very stressed out. I'm also fairly certain I have some level of depression going on. There are days I can barely get off the sofa, while Nixon's in school. I nap because it passes time and gets me away from my own thoughts. My sleep is riddled with anxiety dreams and panicked nightmares. I find myself yelling over the smallest, stupidest things and I know I'm overreacting but I can't stop the anger leaving my lips. I'm snapping at Nixon over things he can't control. Under normal circumstances, I'll help him to try to curb the behaviors (like his repeating phrases 2-5 times in a row) but in the past week I have zero patience for these behaviors. I barely have the energy, or even care enough, to shower. I find myself not caring about food or eating to eat, not out of hunger.
Perhaps the biggest sign that something is not right has been my lack of wanting coffee. If there's one thing in this world that I truly enjoy, it's my daily cup(s) of coffee. But last week I found myself not caring if I had a cup of coffee or not.
I have the warning signs of a panic attack every time Nixon's school calls me. My heartbeat races, I feel the room getting closer to me, I feel my breathing increase. These are all as soon as I recognize the ringtone I've set for the school on my phone, before I've even answered my mind is already convinced Nixon did something and I'm getting the call to tell me about it. There's never a time that I worry he's hurt himself, I think my mom-sense would know that before I got a phone call, but it's always a sense of dread about what he could have possibly done and if anyone else was affected by it.
I called last week for an appointment with my doctor, to discuss all these issues. With Mac leaving in 6 days, I have to get this under control somehow before he leaves. My stress level is about to quadruple and if I'm a giant bag of nuts now I'll be much worse when it's just Nixon and I. If being the mother Nixon needs requires me to get help and some medications, I'll do it.
Asking for help doesn't make me weak. Being put on medications doesn't make me a failure. Not asking for help and taking the meds would make me a horrible mom. Sometimes it's braver to admit you can't do it alone then to tough it out. I've been down this road before, with my emotions ruining my moods and wrecking my relationship with Nixon. Trust me, I refuse to see fear in his eyes when he looks at me, and lately with my screaming fits that's exactly what I see. I'm too strong to let this ruin him! I owe it to him to fix my shit so I can be the mother he needs while Mac's gone.